Monday, May 31, 2010
Progress Report 0
No progress report this week. Had a lousy weekend and don't feel like describing it. Miss Jack terribly. Happy birthday.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Mid-Year Resolutions
I need to start taking this (this = life) seriously. I can't wait around for January to change shit. Change happens now. My blog will, from here on out, be updated weekly every Sunday as a progress report on how I'm accomplishing these goals. (Emo rambling is has already proven to be counter-productive.)
Here are my current long-term goals:
1) Get in shape. From now on, a jog every morning and every evening, coupled with push-ups and sit-ups. This will improve my health and be good exercise for Shamus. Finished my first jog already. My plan for sit-ups and push-ups is to find out how many I can do, then do that many and raise it by one each week. If there's no marked improvement by January in my stamina and muscle build, I'll join a real gym. Also, by the time I graduate, I'm going to quit chewing tobacco, something I'm reluctant to do but would have to do sooner or later anyway. This will save money, plus my teeth.
2) Blitz my way through college. I'll start with one class in the fall to get myself into gear, then do two a semester until finished. Including both summer sessions, I can, in theory, graduate in spring 2012. That's what I'm aiming for.
3) Get my finances in order. I'm diverting all money towards college and nothing else. Assuming no major setbacks, this is doable, though it will mean forfeiting luxuries such as cable and new clothes and crap I frankly just don't need right now. I'll be making minimum payments on my student loan (current balance: about $2,300) and focus on paying it off after I get my degree. As far as housing goes, I think I've got myself covered. No house, no expensive apartment. A room rental from some friendly, dog-liking Mormons at my church will take care of that. If I win my court case in September, I'm going to put the money in savings and probably use it toward classes; I can quit my job in my last semester and go fulltime to ensure I get my degree "on time," by which I mean two years later than originally planned. If things get really over-the-top difficult to pay for, my parents have offered me housing and a transfer to a university in Illinois, which I'm taking into serious consideration. Which leads to...
4) Renewing my relationship with my family. We don't get to choose our families but I firmly believe God has a plan in putting certain people together, even if they don't see eye-to-eye. If nothing else, I owe my parents the courtesy of keeping in touch, what with the whole giving-me-life thing. I think that if I prove my responsibility financially and demonstrate my commitment towards my education, they'll be more inclined toward forgiving me. (I am, after all, the first born. That's got to count for something.)
5) Getting my career together. Okay, technically, working in a department store in the mall is not a "career." But it is my livlihood. My current salary is okay, but I think it could be better. I've mentioned an interest in working in a commissioned sales area, like the women's shoe department. (Also, fun fact: due to liabilities, I will no longer name the company I work for, either now or in the future.) If I can't get the position I want, I'm going to begin looking for a job working in a nursing home or assisted living facility. This has benefits such as better pay, more relevance to my major, and also regular hours, which will help me balance my school schedule. Also, once I bolster my GPA, I'm going to look into one of the work programs with the University. There are semester-long jobs that count for "practical" credits, which would get me experience, a salary, and fulfill the requirements for practical requirements in the biology major. I already discussed this with my advisor, who says that there's an 80% chance of getting a paid intership if I get myself up to a 3.0 GPA. (My current GPA is around a 2.77. However, I've also discussed the possibility of "late withdrawal" for the all the classes I fucked up during junior semester, which would boost my GPA considerably.)
6) Get my ass into counseling. I need the support to be able to get my degree, get my goals actualized and my mind in order. There are services like this offered through the university which I should have taken advantage of a long time ago.
7) Swear off men for a while. I don't care if motherfucking Price Charming rolls up in a silver carriage: so far, my relationships have proved to be major distractions and have ended in heartache and conflict. I'm clearly not mature enough yet for one, and need to get my education, degree, and mental health in order before I even attempt to forge another one.
Okay, ready, Jules? On the count of three.
One... two... three... GO!
Here are my current long-term goals:
1) Get in shape. From now on, a jog every morning and every evening, coupled with push-ups and sit-ups. This will improve my health and be good exercise for Shamus. Finished my first jog already. My plan for sit-ups and push-ups is to find out how many I can do, then do that many and raise it by one each week. If there's no marked improvement by January in my stamina and muscle build, I'll join a real gym. Also, by the time I graduate, I'm going to quit chewing tobacco, something I'm reluctant to do but would have to do sooner or later anyway. This will save money, plus my teeth.
2) Blitz my way through college. I'll start with one class in the fall to get myself into gear, then do two a semester until finished. Including both summer sessions, I can, in theory, graduate in spring 2012. That's what I'm aiming for.
3) Get my finances in order. I'm diverting all money towards college and nothing else. Assuming no major setbacks, this is doable, though it will mean forfeiting luxuries such as cable and new clothes and crap I frankly just don't need right now. I'll be making minimum payments on my student loan (current balance: about $2,300) and focus on paying it off after I get my degree. As far as housing goes, I think I've got myself covered. No house, no expensive apartment. A room rental from some friendly, dog-liking Mormons at my church will take care of that. If I win my court case in September, I'm going to put the money in savings and probably use it toward classes; I can quit my job in my last semester and go fulltime to ensure I get my degree "on time," by which I mean two years later than originally planned. If things get really over-the-top difficult to pay for, my parents have offered me housing and a transfer to a university in Illinois, which I'm taking into serious consideration. Which leads to...
4) Renewing my relationship with my family. We don't get to choose our families but I firmly believe God has a plan in putting certain people together, even if they don't see eye-to-eye. If nothing else, I owe my parents the courtesy of keeping in touch, what with the whole giving-me-life thing. I think that if I prove my responsibility financially and demonstrate my commitment towards my education, they'll be more inclined toward forgiving me. (I am, after all, the first born. That's got to count for something.)
5) Getting my career together. Okay, technically, working in a department store in the mall is not a "career." But it is my livlihood. My current salary is okay, but I think it could be better. I've mentioned an interest in working in a commissioned sales area, like the women's shoe department. (Also, fun fact: due to liabilities, I will no longer name the company I work for, either now or in the future.) If I can't get the position I want, I'm going to begin looking for a job working in a nursing home or assisted living facility. This has benefits such as better pay, more relevance to my major, and also regular hours, which will help me balance my school schedule. Also, once I bolster my GPA, I'm going to look into one of the work programs with the University. There are semester-long jobs that count for "practical" credits, which would get me experience, a salary, and fulfill the requirements for practical requirements in the biology major. I already discussed this with my advisor, who says that there's an 80% chance of getting a paid intership if I get myself up to a 3.0 GPA. (My current GPA is around a 2.77. However, I've also discussed the possibility of "late withdrawal" for the all the classes I fucked up during junior semester, which would boost my GPA considerably.)
6) Get my ass into counseling. I need the support to be able to get my degree, get my goals actualized and my mind in order. There are services like this offered through the university which I should have taken advantage of a long time ago.
7) Swear off men for a while. I don't care if motherfucking Price Charming rolls up in a silver carriage: so far, my relationships have proved to be major distractions and have ended in heartache and conflict. I'm clearly not mature enough yet for one, and need to get my education, degree, and mental health in order before I even attempt to forge another one.
Okay, ready, Jules? On the count of three.
One... two... three... GO!
A Month Later
These memories are like bodies in the ocean: bloating, then fading, floating only briefly before trailing down into the depths, to settle gracefully at the bottom, be swept away, torn apart, rendered immaterial and unconfirmable.
Some stills: his aproned mother baking cookies, the candles flickering on the porch, a candy wrapper placed thoughtlessly in front of a picture of the last family vacation.
These last months have been magical in a way words can never capture, and now they are over. I've come to many realisations.
One: It's time to focus. This isn't the story of Peter Pan; I need to grow up and get my life in gear. The next two years will be a blitz of college classes, hopefully ending in a diploma.
Two: I don't belong here. These people are not my people. They're strangers. I will hurt them if they let me and I will let them hurt me because of how much I love them. This is unfair to both parties. It's time to let go now.
Three: Love is a bitch. I'm casting whatever optimism I had about love to the sea along with the memories I should have been recording here. Jack: you changed my life. You breathed life into me again and I'm going to be okay. But your work is finished now. I'm sorry if we lose contact, but I can't be distracted by you, and nothing's more distracting than heartache. The simple fact is that I was as attractive, charming, clever, and compromising as I could be, and I failed you. Someday, some other girl will pick up the slack for me, and you'll fall in love and see how wonderfully intoxicating it is.
I feel like Brandy all over again. Double points go for the appropriateness of the sea motif.
Love really is a bitch.
At least two years from now I can finally graduate. It's only going to cost... $649 per credit? But that would be like... thirty grand. That's like... more than two years income.
Fuck you, college. Fuck you real, real hard. If this stupid court case doesn't come through for me, I'm going to have to resort to plan C. *sighs*
Some stills: his aproned mother baking cookies, the candles flickering on the porch, a candy wrapper placed thoughtlessly in front of a picture of the last family vacation.
These last months have been magical in a way words can never capture, and now they are over. I've come to many realisations.
One: It's time to focus. This isn't the story of Peter Pan; I need to grow up and get my life in gear. The next two years will be a blitz of college classes, hopefully ending in a diploma.
Two: I don't belong here. These people are not my people. They're strangers. I will hurt them if they let me and I will let them hurt me because of how much I love them. This is unfair to both parties. It's time to let go now.
Three: Love is a bitch. I'm casting whatever optimism I had about love to the sea along with the memories I should have been recording here. Jack: you changed my life. You breathed life into me again and I'm going to be okay. But your work is finished now. I'm sorry if we lose contact, but I can't be distracted by you, and nothing's more distracting than heartache. The simple fact is that I was as attractive, charming, clever, and compromising as I could be, and I failed you. Someday, some other girl will pick up the slack for me, and you'll fall in love and see how wonderfully intoxicating it is.
I feel like Brandy all over again. Double points go for the appropriateness of the sea motif.
Love really is a bitch.
At least two years from now I can finally graduate. It's only going to cost... $649 per credit? But that would be like... thirty grand. That's like... more than two years income.
Fuck you, college. Fuck you real, real hard. If this stupid court case doesn't come through for me, I'm going to have to resort to plan C. *sighs*
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Looking Ahead...
Good news, everyone!
Having gotten over the self-depreciation of last night, I think I've found a viable solution to my housing/tuition problems.
Talking with my father made me realise a few things.
One is that I'm not thinking clearly about my goals. Buying a house is something I can afford, but at the cost of putting off college more. What I need to do is divert all my finances to tuition. Not housing. I think I have a few solutions and I'm planning to enroll either for summer's second session or, at the very latest, for fall. I think I can finish in two or three years (more likely three). We'll see how this all plays out.
I'd give a longer update, but I have to go pick up Alice. I'm feeling hopeful right now for the future.
Having gotten over the self-depreciation of last night, I think I've found a viable solution to my housing/tuition problems.
Talking with my father made me realise a few things.
One is that I'm not thinking clearly about my goals. Buying a house is something I can afford, but at the cost of putting off college more. What I need to do is divert all my finances to tuition. Not housing. I think I have a few solutions and I'm planning to enroll either for summer's second session or, at the very latest, for fall. I think I can finish in two or three years (more likely three). We'll see how this all plays out.
I'd give a longer update, but I have to go pick up Alice. I'm feeling hopeful right now for the future.
Monday, April 26, 2010
FML
Dear Blog,
Well, I have bad news and... and bad news.
Let's see.
First of all, my lease ends in August. I need to find a place to stay. I'm completely at the end of my rope right now, because renting costs are astronomical and buying a house seems like only a distant possibility. Today I looked at a few in my price range and they were in overwhemlingly poor condition. I'm going to definitely need to find a roommate and I don't think Ben will do anymore; he's bringing me down motivationally and emotionally.
I called my dad to get some advice and he quoted my blog to me (yep, you!), which was disconcerting but not unexpected. I've long assumed that my family had access, at least subconsciously, and I'm mostly relieved. I feel bad that they had to read through some of it (specifically, the sex stuff). And I also feel bad that I painted them in a bad light, because I do have a habit of portraying people as black-and-white, which is unfair. But like I said: I'm mostly relieved. Because what better way to get to know me than through my writing. It's all one big metaphor which ends on the same bittersweet note: I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm probably ruining my life.
I assume they still read, so here's some tidbits they might find interesting:
1) You were right. You were totally and completely right about Ben, and I fucked up big time.
2) I totally lied to you and I'm sorry, but I did it mostly out of fear of the consequences of telling the truth, because I'm neurotically scared of getting in trouble. And obviously, I'm in much deeper shit than if I had told the truth, but I clearly wasn't thinking right.
3) I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I discounted your advice, which so far has proven to be 100% correct, and I'm sorry because I've been a privileged, dishonest brat of a child who took advantage of you and totally failed to appreciate what I had until I lost it.
4) I totally regret everything and I'm sick of living in abject poverty and going nowhere in my life. I wish I could start over, but obviously can't.
5) I don't think I can ever look either of you in the face again because I'm really ashamed and kind of disgusted with myself right now, and even though you said I can re-earn your trust, I doubt I can and don't even want to try because I'll probably realistically fuck up all over again.
So now what?
I won't have anywhere to live come August, except for a $700/month apartment, on a $1000/month income, and no roommate. I don't have any savings and no way to return to school, and with the current place I occupy, no hope of saving anything, either.
I have absolutely no one to rely on, since all my friends totally left me, and Ben's gone, and Jack and Andrew leave in two weeks, and I've pretty much isolated my entire family by being a bitch. (It's nice to know that my one talent, Creative Writing, has bitten me in the ass so thoroughly.) (Of course, I have only myself to blame for that.) (Side note: Is it worse to write my innermost thoughts here or keep them secret? If I never aired them out, I would have less conflict in my life, but the conflict I never started would remain unresolved. Ugh. Fucking roundabout justifications.)
There has to be some option here I'm not considering. What am I overlooking? Surely there's some sort of situation where I can find a stable place to live and gather up the funds to re-enter school, short of prostitution or drug dealing.
Well, I'm trying to find a second job, but working myself to death seems to be a rather inelegant solution to this whole mess.
Not for the first time, I wish I were someone else. Specifically, someone who was less likely to fuck herself over again and again and again.
Well, I have bad news and... and bad news.
Let's see.
First of all, my lease ends in August. I need to find a place to stay. I'm completely at the end of my rope right now, because renting costs are astronomical and buying a house seems like only a distant possibility. Today I looked at a few in my price range and they were in overwhemlingly poor condition. I'm going to definitely need to find a roommate and I don't think Ben will do anymore; he's bringing me down motivationally and emotionally.
I called my dad to get some advice and he quoted my blog to me (yep, you!), which was disconcerting but not unexpected. I've long assumed that my family had access, at least subconsciously, and I'm mostly relieved. I feel bad that they had to read through some of it (specifically, the sex stuff). And I also feel bad that I painted them in a bad light, because I do have a habit of portraying people as black-and-white, which is unfair. But like I said: I'm mostly relieved. Because what better way to get to know me than through my writing. It's all one big metaphor which ends on the same bittersweet note: I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm probably ruining my life.
I assume they still read, so here's some tidbits they might find interesting:
1) You were right. You were totally and completely right about Ben, and I fucked up big time.
2) I totally lied to you and I'm sorry, but I did it mostly out of fear of the consequences of telling the truth, because I'm neurotically scared of getting in trouble. And obviously, I'm in much deeper shit than if I had told the truth, but I clearly wasn't thinking right.
3) I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I discounted your advice, which so far has proven to be 100% correct, and I'm sorry because I've been a privileged, dishonest brat of a child who took advantage of you and totally failed to appreciate what I had until I lost it.
4) I totally regret everything and I'm sick of living in abject poverty and going nowhere in my life. I wish I could start over, but obviously can't.
5) I don't think I can ever look either of you in the face again because I'm really ashamed and kind of disgusted with myself right now, and even though you said I can re-earn your trust, I doubt I can and don't even want to try because I'll probably realistically fuck up all over again.
So now what?
I won't have anywhere to live come August, except for a $700/month apartment, on a $1000/month income, and no roommate. I don't have any savings and no way to return to school, and with the current place I occupy, no hope of saving anything, either.
I have absolutely no one to rely on, since all my friends totally left me, and Ben's gone, and Jack and Andrew leave in two weeks, and I've pretty much isolated my entire family by being a bitch. (It's nice to know that my one talent, Creative Writing, has bitten me in the ass so thoroughly.) (Of course, I have only myself to blame for that.) (Side note: Is it worse to write my innermost thoughts here or keep them secret? If I never aired them out, I would have less conflict in my life, but the conflict I never started would remain unresolved. Ugh. Fucking roundabout justifications.)
There has to be some option here I'm not considering. What am I overlooking? Surely there's some sort of situation where I can find a stable place to live and gather up the funds to re-enter school, short of prostitution or drug dealing.
Well, I'm trying to find a second job, but working myself to death seems to be a rather inelegant solution to this whole mess.
Not for the first time, I wish I were someone else. Specifically, someone who was less likely to fuck herself over again and again and again.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tonight, for the first time in weeks, I'm sleeping at my place. Jack has a test to study for. I'm in a state of panic because I'm in a state of panic; if this is only one night how will I ever function without him? Forever?
It will pass. Time has a way of dulling things.
So much anxiety right now. Damn it, this is stupid. Pull yourself together, Julie.
It will pass. Time has a way of dulling things.
So much anxiety right now. Damn it, this is stupid. Pull yourself together, Julie.
This Feeling So Much Bigger Than Me
Things here are chugging along nicely.
I've found a house I plan to buy. 27K, three story brick. My credit is superb so all I really have to worry about is the down payment. I'll need a car, also, but again, with my credit score, this won't pose a problem.
Roughly three weeks until the boys leave. I've spent every night at Jack's for weeks, which is probably for the best, since Ben feels queer sharing a bed with me, as we're no longer together by any stretch of the imagination.
The nightmares started up again in full swing but I seem to be relatively stable, with minimal switching out.
I'm getting more and more worried about Jack's departure. He and Andrew both suggested to me, separately, that I ought to vent to Andrew, since we're not romantically involved. But I can't do this. First of all, telling anything to Andrew could potentially get back to Jack through twin telepathy. Secondly, I don't want to open myself up. (You don't let a tiger out of a cage unless you're sure you can control it.) (Jack might be upset if I maimed his brother and ate him.) And third, I just don't want Andrew to see me upset. Besides, the one time I started venting, he essentially told me to shut up, in nicer terms, of course, so while the invitation to vent was a nice gesture, I feel that in practice it would be extremely irritating to him.
This weekend we plan to go camping.
I've been so busy my blogging has become lacklustre. Plus, I fear one of the twins might read this. Plus, I can rarely think of anything to say. My anxiety can't be worded right. Also, I have an irrational fear that if I blog this, I'll read back and remember it wrong and it'll be like it didn't happen. Irrational, I know, but somehow, I feel it's better to keep my memories to myself, and if I forget them, at least it won't hurt anymore.
I worry about the future, even though it seems to be coming together nicely. What good's an empty house, anyway?
I've found a house I plan to buy. 27K, three story brick. My credit is superb so all I really have to worry about is the down payment. I'll need a car, also, but again, with my credit score, this won't pose a problem.
Roughly three weeks until the boys leave. I've spent every night at Jack's for weeks, which is probably for the best, since Ben feels queer sharing a bed with me, as we're no longer together by any stretch of the imagination.
The nightmares started up again in full swing but I seem to be relatively stable, with minimal switching out.
I'm getting more and more worried about Jack's departure. He and Andrew both suggested to me, separately, that I ought to vent to Andrew, since we're not romantically involved. But I can't do this. First of all, telling anything to Andrew could potentially get back to Jack through twin telepathy. Secondly, I don't want to open myself up. (You don't let a tiger out of a cage unless you're sure you can control it.) (Jack might be upset if I maimed his brother and ate him.) And third, I just don't want Andrew to see me upset. Besides, the one time I started venting, he essentially told me to shut up, in nicer terms, of course, so while the invitation to vent was a nice gesture, I feel that in practice it would be extremely irritating to him.
This weekend we plan to go camping.
I've been so busy my blogging has become lacklustre. Plus, I fear one of the twins might read this. Plus, I can rarely think of anything to say. My anxiety can't be worded right. Also, I have an irrational fear that if I blog this, I'll read back and remember it wrong and it'll be like it didn't happen. Irrational, I know, but somehow, I feel it's better to keep my memories to myself, and if I forget them, at least it won't hurt anymore.
I worry about the future, even though it seems to be coming together nicely. What good's an empty house, anyway?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
